my notes.

what life has taught me.

Happiness.

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Yesterday, I was talking about happiness with my friend.
He said that happiness comes from ourselves, not from anybody else or other things.

I agreed with it, because I had that moment over and over again in my life.

Do you ever feel so empty within yourself? You’re with your friends, talking, laughing, etc, but actually you feel so empty, kinda lost in space. Your body is there, but your mind is travelling everywhere. Physically you’re with your friend, but you’re not.

It happened to me.
Whenever I feel so depressed, empty, I always try to get rid of that feeling by looking for the happiness outside of me.
I always find ways to remove that feeling. I watch every good movies, I go out with my friends, etc, but then that feeling is still there.

Even one day, when I got so depressed, I asked my friend to accompany me. I don’t know what to do. I just want to go out, to erase this feeling, or at least to forget about it for a while. I wanted to find the happiness.

Then we went out. We had dinner, talked about our lives, her boyfriend, etc. We did karaoke and then we stopped by at a cafe, to listen to the music. I was with her, my body was with her, I could talk with her, but it’s meaningless. My mind was scattered everywhere. I thought I was happy at that time.
But when I arrived home, I just cried all night, even until the day after. My eyes became big, just like fish with big eyes 😀

And in my wildest imagination, I felt that it would be great for me, if I jump over the bridge, I mean from the highway, and know how it feels. I told about this to my friend. She told me that it happens to everybody, and all I need is to keep in sane. Well, I am, I try to 😀

I was so stressful. I couldn’t think clearly. I cried to God, asking about everything, why oh why. I just want to be happy. I want to have happiness in my life.
I knew I couldn’t get the answer directly, it just I felt so relieved by doing it.

Well, I guess everybody has their own way to find happiness.

For me… since that day, I keep praying to God, so He’ll help me to get through my hard times. It’s not easy, in fact it never been easy for me. I still have the ups and downs, and thanks God, I still survive until now. Well, I realise, I couldn’t find happiness from outside myself, because no matter how hard I try to find it, I won’t get it. It seems like I have it, but I don’t.

I learn that it’s a matter of our mind, because happiness comes from ourselves, not from others.

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Author: bettsi

I am who I am for a reason.

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