my notes.

what life has taught me.


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So, in terms of having new friends, especially male friends, who knows can lead to be someone special, then I did what my friends told me to. 

I try to make new friends in online world. Cyber world. Join chat rooms. Dating site. 

But then, I am tired.

Well, I met many guys there. But most of guys are only looking for someone to have sex chat or cam sex or hook-ups if they’re in the city. Even some want to pay me, if I’m willing to have sex cam with them. Gee. 

Probably you won’t believe me. The same like me, you still believe that there are guys who wants only to be my friends, normal chat. Well, to tell you the truth, yes, there are some. 

But it’s only in the beginning. After a few conversations, they start to show up their intentions. And like the others, it’s not far from sex things. Lol.

Enough about chat rooms. How about dating site? 

Err, I am not lucky yet in this thing as well. Haha.

  • Many guys said that they’re looking for a serious relationship, but after we had conversations, apparently, they’re only looking for someone to have sex chat or else also. In fact, many scammers are there also. They said that they’re in Europe and Europeans, but they’re in Asia and their accents are Indian people. Lol.

I bet you think I am so pathetic. Haha.

Well, maybe I am.

I’m so naive that I think it’s still possible for me to meet good guys in that kind of things. Actually, I am not wanting to have boyfriends right away. It’s impossible. Haha. I just want, at least, to have new friends. And who knows where it may leads. 

But after such a long time, I started to think that it’s useless. Probably, it works for some girls to have new friends from Internet, but it doesn’t work for me. Gosh, I’m so tired. Haha.

Hmm, I think I should find another way. And I guess it’s not relating with Internet. Haha.


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Let you go. 

PicsArt_07-22-07.27.53I’ve been missing you all this time.

Then yesterday, I wanted to send you text message and tell you how much I miss you. But I couldn’t. Its report said that my text message couldn’t delivered.

I’ve been shocked, felt very sad.

Whether you changed your phone number without telling me, or you blocked my phone number.

Then I tried to trace you, and I knew that you’ve been with someone else for holiday.

I guess you’ve already have someone else beside you.

It made me more sad.

Here comes that time. Time that I should forget about you. Let you go. So hard to do, but I have to.

Thank you for the memories I had.

I pray for the best for you.

Please stop it, terrorist! 

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Why did you do that?
Can you see that many people suffered because of your actions? 

Can we just live in peace, harmony? 

Gosh, I still can’t forget that day when there’s a bomb in Bali. I was there! In fact, I might become a victim. I used to go to that street on Saturday night, just to hear the loud music and crowds. But on that day, my little sister want to chat with me, so instead of hanging around there, I go to the Internet service. So I think her wish saved my life, though when we had a chat, suddenly the electricity shut off. And apparently there’s also a bomb nearby. 

I don’t know what happened at that night. I just went home, switched my phone off.

In the morning, I got so many texts from my parents, family. They asked where I was. And my dad told me about the bomb. I was so shocked. I watched TV. It’s really sad. Then after I had a Sunday service, I went to the hospital with my friends to help those victims. 

Do you want to know what I saw?

There are so many wounded victims. They got burnt all over their bodies. Many people are crying for their wounded and dead families.

And even it’s more breaking my heart when I volunteered in the morgue. It’s so sad. Many dead bodies, burnt. 

What the hell where they thinking? 

To kill people just like that? Don’t they have heart?

Then my job now. One of our focus is the victims of terrorism. 

Can you imagine how they’re suffered because of that stupid heartless actions?????

And for this last few days, many bombings happened in some countries, Thailand, United Kingdom. 

And even, last night, there were two bombs in my country. 3 polices were killed and 11 people were injured. 

Can you please stop it? Stop doing those bad things. Where is your heart? Are you happy for seeing people are suffering? To see tears from the victims’ family, fear from us?

Please stop it. Don’t do it anymore.

It’s enough. 

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Be content.

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I wrote this because I had a conversation before with my friend. 

It started with my conversation that I asked her, whether she has a community which full of male members. Well, since I’m still single and it seems hard to have some new male friends lately, so I asked that question. Haha. Besides, she told me yesterday that her sex life wasn’t good. Lol. 

After I asked that, she started to give me a lecture. She said that she doesn’t need a guy to complete her. She’s complete already. Content. And since I’m single (she’s a single mom, with a 7 yo daughter), I should do that, do this. Not only be happy, but to make my life is more useful to other, etc.

Well, I agreed with her, because I’m doing that all my life and I’m not going to stop it. It just I’m in this state of live, I have a good position in my office, had my graduate degree (in fact I’m thinking to take a doctoral degree), my job is to help other people from all over place in my country. The bottom line is I have everything that people wants in their lives (more or less 😂).

So every suggestions she told me, I’m doing it now and then. Been doing it a long time ago and even now. I’m so grateful of it. If she said that I have to feel content, is it wrong for me, if I have this dream, that I want to meet a guy, someone that I can share stories, etc? She said that I can share it with others too, not only to male friends. I agree with that, but I’m not sure whether she realized this or she’s only want to make me think that she’s above me, it’s really different to talk or share stories with family, friends and with a guy, someone special. 

I won’t deny it. I miss those times when I’m with my male friends. Being with someone who cares about me, hugs and kisses. 

And she said that even we can have sex with the same gender. Well, it’s depends on the sexual preference. If she likes the same gender, that’s ok. But it doesn’t mean that you don’t need someone.

So I don’t think that if I want to have a male friend, it means that I’m not feel content with my life. I dunno.

What do you think? Could you please give me some comments if you read this? Thanks! 🙏

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Do you ever feel so empty?

You’re doing your routinity, everything is fine, but then, there’s come the time that you feel so empty.

I’m feeling so empty now.

I’m so busy with my daily routines, doing that, doing this. And after everything’s done, I felt so empty.

Gosh, with all my existences now, I shouldn’t feel empty. I should be happy. Everything is good in my life, except my love life 😂😂 But it usually doesn’t affect me.

Or is it because the moon? It’s so beautiful lately. Does it influence my feeling, so I feel so gloomy? 😂

Sometimes, I think this empty feeling is one of the reasons why people kill themselves. They just feel so empty, don’t know what to do, and have nobody to talk with. They can’t deal with it, so they choose the shortcut. Suicide.

I’m so grateful that though emptiness is always come in my life, but I still can survive.

Being an adult

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I guess being an adult is not easy.

Though my age is no longer young, but it’s still not easy for me to face things, especially bad things. 

When things don’t happen as I want, I try to accept it sincerely. But it comes time, when I felt so desperate of it. 

I can’t control my feelings. I couldn’t stop my tears. And those questions will always show up in my mind.

What’s wrong?  What happened? What should I do? Why? What next? All those questions are playing in my mind. 

Then I will try so hard to let everything happens. Not questioning it, just accept it. 

It’s hard, you know. 

Sometimes I think it’s better to become a child. Things aren’t so complicated. And they don’t think much like adults. It seems like they live only for the day.

Or perhaps, being an adult is not that difficult as I think of it. Perhaps it’s me, my thinking. 

Errr, I should think like a child, I guess. 😏

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